Florida Redneck-Obama Trains Cattle Guards

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado . The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the cattle guards immediately!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President Joe Biden, intervened with a request that...before any cattle guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining for Arizona border guards. 'Times are hard', said Joe Biden, 'it's only fair to the cattle guards and their families!'
And these two Fools are running our country, OMG!

Obama Trains Cattle Guards

Humor brought to you by the Florida Redneck blog.

Florida Redneck | Zen Sarcasm

The Zen of Redneck Sarcasm


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2 . It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

3. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

4. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Redneck Humor Brought to you by the Florida Redneck

Florida Redneck - Top 10 Country Western Songs

Top Ten Country Western Songs.

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Woke Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night, That Chewed My Ass All Day

This Top 10 Country Western Song List Is Brought To You by the FLORIDA REDNECK

Florida Redneck Publix Sucks

Publix Has Violated All Americans and Floridians. The Florida Redneck Will Never Shop There Again.

We Are Not SPICS. GET IT?

Florida Redneck Home Security System

HOW TO INSTALL A FLORIDA REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tellf rom all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter"

More Good Ole Florida Redneck humor

You know you're a Floridian if...

You believe Socks are only for bowling.

You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.

A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with
shade.

Your winter coat is made of denim.

You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.

You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.

Anything under 70 degrees is chilly.

You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.

You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.

Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.

You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.

You dread love bug season.

You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley or Hurricane Frances. You know them as Andrew, Charley, Frances , Ivan, Jeanne & Wilma......

You know what a snowbird is and when they'll leave.

You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.

'Down South' means Key West ..

Flip-flops are everyday wear. Shoes are for business meetings and church, but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before.

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

You know the four seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and
summer.

You've hosted a hurricane party.

You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Withlacoochee and Micanopy.

You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.

You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.

You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas and New Years.

You recognize Miami-Dade as ' Northern Cuba.

Good ole Florida Humor brought to you by the FLORIDA REDNECK blog